


Sailor Bong

by j_crew_guy



Category: Askewniverse
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-05
Updated: 2010-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-11 12:17:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_crew_guy/pseuds/j_crew_guy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He is the one called Sailor Bong!" "In the name of the weed, I will punish you!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sailor Bong

**Author's Note:**

> heyoka gets the blame for encouraging me, helping with the cliches and the title.

Jay looked in the mirror. "Motherfucker!" he screamed. His eyes were huge. And his body was willowy thin. "This is the last goddamn time I lace sushi with anything," he vowed.

He looked over at Silent Bob and was startled when a pattern of roses appeared behind Bob. Bob's hair flowed via a mysterious wind and he looked more handsome than usual. If you discounted the oddly huge eyes, anyway.

Bob watched as Jay stalked into the kitchen and found the biggest knife he could carry. There was a gleam from the point of the knife as Jay held it up before pocketing it dramatically. "I ain't lettin' no fuckin' tentacles get near me!"

Silent Bob, who found that his larger eyes made expressing himself that much easier, looked at Jay and then down at his crotch.

"Fine," Jay mumbled. "Just one tentacle. But no others!"

By mutual consent they ended up on the couch. Jay fumbled in his pockets for a pack of cigarettes. "Son of a--!" he swore as he discovered there were none on his person. Jay looked at Bob.

Bob shook his head.

"I didn't wanna do this while we were… y'know, weird, but we gotta do it. We gotta go to the QuickStop and get cigarettes."

Silent Bob nodded and got to his feet. He held one finger up and struck a pose.

"The fuck is your problem?" Jay asked.

Silent Bob glared at Jay.

Jay shrugged. "Fine. Show me what you wanted to, lunchbox."

Bob resumed his pose and was suddenly in silhouette as the background around him became oddly indistinct. He contorted and twirled until there was a brilliant flash of light and Silent Bob stood there… exactly the same as he was before.

Jay's already large eyes got even bigger as he noticed something on Bob's forehead. "What the fuck is that on your head?"

Silent Bob reached up and felt a giant drop of water. He shrugged.

Jay snorted. "You think you're so special with your poses? Fuckin' amateur. I'll show you how it's done." He leapt to his feet and posed and contorted and declared, "In the name of the weed, I will smoke you!"

Silent Bob's jaw dropped open as he saw what had happened to Jay. He was wearing a sailor girl costume and his long hair was in two ponytails that were on either side of his head.

"What the fuck are you lookin' at?" Jay asked Bob.

Bob pointed at the mirror.

"Fine, I'll go look."

Bob grew alarmed at the sight of the pulsing vein in Jay's forehead that appeared when Jay saw his reflection.

"Do you know how hard it is to walk in goddamn high heels?" Jay raged as he stalked towards Silent Bob.

Silent Bob shrank down in size and ran from Jay.

"Ewww, dude. You can turn into a fuckin' Smurf?"

Bob turned and stuck his tongue out at Jay while pulling down his lower eyelid with a finger.

Jay fumbled underneath the skirt of his sailor costume. "I dunno what I'm doin', but somethin' tells me I gotta do this." Jay held up a weapon that looked oddly like a bong and posed. "In the name of the weed, I will punish youse!" he cried.

Silent Bob returned to his normal size and willed his eyes to go sparkly.

"Fuck," Jay muttered. "You know I can't be mad at you when you pull shit like that." He blinked as the background behind Bob was filled with flowers again. "What the fuck is it with those flowers?" he said to no one in particular.

Silent Bob frowned as he found Jay, sprawled out underneath their makeshift coffee table. Sushi that was a couple of days old, enough bottles of sake to get even Jay drunk and of course, a half-smoked joint.

Bob shook his head as he picked up the joint. He rummaged in the cushions of the couch for a lighter and the remote as Jay snorted and mumbled something about big, shiny eyes.


End file.
